Sitting up at night, in the dark and silence, has got to be one of my favorite and one of my most hated things to go in the history of my existence. Ever since I’d begun traveling deeper into the depths of my mind, I’ve noticed how frightening thinking to yourself can be. More so than friends, it's yourself that knows the most about your insides. This can be handy when thinking of things you'd like to wear for the next day of school, things you'll say to those annoying kids at youth group so they accept you won't be going that day, and things on your iPod you no longer enjoy listening to, but eventually it grows into a higher escalated debate with yourself. Eventually, it gains momentum and you're debating your own existence.
Why is it that you can keep more from yourself than you can, say, your friends, and your family? How is it that the human brain has the ability to suppress memories that vie to be unhappy or unsatisfactory?
More importantly, why is it we never realize these things until it's far too late and far too important to work on the issues. Sometimes it's easy to see yourself as your own worst enemy, no matter how small the offence to yourself could be. I find it quite easy to hate myself based on the past events in my life, strictly because they're mine and mine alone to deal with.
In our own way, our past, present and future is all determined by us in the way we handle the situations we're given. Yet, I’d always assume that no matter how someone deals with a problem, there's always to be a negative outcome in one way or another. For example, let’s say something horrible happens in someone’s life: your girlfriend/boyfriend dies. Given those circumstances, let's say that you're given the two extreme spectrums in coping with a problem: taking things optimistically and taking things pessimistically.
In the optimistic situation, the surviving lover moves on from his diseased, claiming that life and love moves forward, and that everything will be just fine. In this sense, he's trying too hard, too fast to get over the fact that someone he'd devoted his life to is gone, and fooling himself and others around him into thinking that everything's okay. The feeling in his heart and mind grow likewise faulty, and he grows a deepening sense of emotional instability.
On the other side of the spectrum, let's say the guy's girlfriend dies and he becomes completely destructive. Aside from his friends taking notice of his emotional angst, he's also become physically destructive; partaking in self-mutilation and resorting to intoxication in order to maintain what he believes to be a normal lifestyle. Although he isn't fooling himself into thinking things are okay, instead wearing his twisted emotions on his sleeve, he's instead crushing himself as a person, making it near impossible for people to want to help him.
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