…Yet, I haven’t. I’m sure I touched enough on this when I was talking about mutilation and suicide before, but I can’t get over this one little fact. Each time I try to kill myself, I fail. First off, there’s nothing worse than trying to die and having it not work. I don’t care if it’s from puncturing veins, ingesting pills, drinking alcohol with pills, throwing myself from tall places, no matter what, if you can still live after that, you feel like an absolute failure.
And I’d assume that’s why I keep trying to kill myself, feeling like a failure. It’s ironic how the feeling like a failure makes me want to commit suicide, only to wind up being unsuccessful at it. It seems kind of redundant. I could easily just accept that I’m a failure and wallow in the pain of that, instead of proving to myself how much of a failure I am. But I don’t. I try to hurt myself; I take the pain and writhe in it in a very unhealthy way. Having felt no other emotion but apathy, pain, guilt, depression, I take the feeling I get when hurting myself, and use it as a reminder of how feelings can be powerful enough to control someone: Powerful enough to die for.
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