Sometimes I feel as though I’m not in my own head, like somehow I’m just not even close to knowing what’s going on around me. “Out of body, out of mind” seems too subtle to explain the feeling, as expected. It seems that most of these times are by my own doing, though; like I create my own realities to escape to when my current one fails me. And it does: boy how my reality fails me. It’s funny to think that whatever a nice guy does, it seems to all be in vain… that’s not what the comic books always told me. Comic books, movies, television shows, novels, all of them say that if you’re a good guy and do the right things for other people, you’re showered with love and kindness. As it turns out, they’re wrong.
Perhaps not all good people are showered with kindness. Maybe only those who deserve get all the attention, all the love, all the feeling of self-satisfaction. If that’s the case, then I’m truly unworthy. Then again, I’d always feel this way towards myself. I do all I can for my friends, for my family, for my lovers, and in the end, it’s like all I did was slap them in the face. Not all my friends, mind you; some of them are incredibly caring and patient. But parents and lovers seem to be the only people in the world who take the general uncaringness that most people exude for me, and intensify it by a million.
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