Bless the Allman Brothers for naming their song that, because it makes the other choices I’d had for this section seem silly. While you’re reading this, you probably can’t understand why this is in here. As I stated before, this isn’t simply about girlfriends or lovers, but simply those girls in which I’d aimlessly fallen for.
Every girlfriend I’d ever had, I remember exactly how our history went. A phone call, an Instant Message, A chat room; Jessica on the other hand, I have no recollection as to how we began talking. She was the last of the three freshman girls who’s name I’d learn, yet the only one I’d take an emotional interest in. In the beginning, I had embitterment towards her smaller, more sporadic friend, but as soon as that passed, I was able to engage both the friend, and soon-there-after, Jessica, in conversation.
Well, slight conversation. Much like Gienene, Jessica and I never had any true conversations, or reasons in which we spoke. We certainly didn’t beat the hell out of each other (physically, at least,) but we did somehow maintain a friendship for a good 8 months of the school year. As the year continued, I learned a lot more about Jessica, and the inner-workings of her mind. Unfortunately for her, I grew more attached simply because she reminded me a hell of a lot of myself. This was a girl almost constantly tortured by her own mind, constantly struggling to please parents who seem to be unappeasable, and harboring destructive emotions towards herself in the worst ways.
Not all of our similarities come from negativity, though. Some of our similarities simply come from things in which can’t be explained, like hostility and cynicism. I have a keen and diluted sense of “happiness” and “fun,” meaning things like depression and thinking of suicide make me “happy.” Sometimes, the best part of living is looking down on people, and letting them know that no matter what, we’re better than them. I think I often shared this with Jessica, the joint effort of acknowledging someone who sucked, looking at each other, and understanding that we were better than them.
Music often brought us together, as well. We shared the same musical tastes; aside from those ridiculously queer songs she infected her iTouch with, like Taylor Swift and such. Normally when I look at girl’s iPods, I’m saddened to find horrible things like the Jonas Brothers, Justin Beiber, and Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana… this was not the case when it came to Jessica. Instead, I was treated to a playlist of amazing bands I also shared liking for; like the Foo Fighters, System of a Down, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and eventually, Me. She once told me that I made “Feeling This” momentarily her favorite song, which I saw as a compliment because blink-182 made it one of my favorite songs.
Aside from that, there’s really no other reason for me to be attached to this girl, perhaps aside from her looks. That’s another thing I never brought up when it came to Jessica, how much I enjoyed her looks. There was a reason for this, being every time I did try to compliment her in any way; it often led to an argument or awkward situation (made possible by her and her unwillingness to accept what I thought about her.)
But somehow, I am. I’d like to say “was” since this is going to be past tense from when all of this is taking place, but there’s no immediate future in which I feel myself not being infatuated by this girl. We’ve had our falling outs, our moments of silence, our downfalls, our points of breaking… but something always brought us back together. I lived perfectly fine without knowing Jessica Hefferon, but now that I do, I never want to imagine a world or life without her. It seems foolish to say, but I can’t remember a time I’m happier in the school day then when I’m sitting in my little corner in Yearbook class, and knowing that whenever I look to my right, Jessica is almost always sure to look back over.
There was certainly a lot in her head about me and my advances, most of them which brought her into a permanent defensive state. Perhaps I’d always came on too strong, slowly pushing her away the more I felt towards her, but it’s too late to go back and change anything now. This is the girl I bought flowers for, that I took the blame for plenty of times in yearbook, even in cases she never knew. This is the girl I spent nights working on CD’s for, and wrote hundreds of notes for, which all eventually all got tore up and thrown away. This is the girl who thought that no matter what, I was too awesome for her, and thought that my love for her depended on her love for me back. That was never true. Love has so many meanings, and I can’t say that there is no one more I cared about, and wished to bring happiness to, than little Jessica Hefferon.
I’ll always remember the night we almost stopped talking for good. I could never forget the pain in my chest that night, the overall terror in my mind that I could lose someone I’d brought myself to ultimately care about. We’d said our goodbyes, and I never really wanted to, and in a last-ditch effort, I hoped maybe she’d compromise with me… just so everything could go back to the way things were. I watched Twilight and New Moon for this damn girl, I wasn’t ready to lose everything. Luckily she agreed, and we’ve been happy with each other ever since. There was always one thing that was implied, but never said between us, which I made official that night. I told Jessica I loved her that night, and though she never had a response, I didn’t need one. The fact that she knew meant that there was truly nothing else I could do to make my affection more clear, and that everything was now in her court. Luckily, she remained okay with my feelings towards her, eventually coping and accepting that I wasn’t changing my mind any time soon.
Side Note: How the hell does somebody predict that someone’s going to bring cake, candles, and flowers into school on the last day as one final special event?! I mean, that’s freaking ridiculous. This is what she did, and now I’m at a loss as to how to make our last day together special. I’ve done everything I could, and now I have no more ways in which to say she’s special to me, and that I’ll always remember our time together… perhaps I’ll just stick with the guitar idea, or maybe a walk…
Side Note 2: Destruction.
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